Dear IT Department, re: printer installation request

Incident Details
Category: Hardware

Description: New printer has been delivered. Needs to be installed and networked to replace broken one in room 109. #Thanks,

Resolution Hello We are closing this call as you have not logged all the details we need to assist you. If you need a printer installed you need to bear in mind that we do not have any information about you or the equipment, so you need to provide us with: 1. The make and model of the new printer 2. ALL the computer names that the printer needs to be networked to (found on the blue desktop background of the PC) 3. Your FULL SITE LOCATION including floor and room number (“room 109” does not tell us what site to send the engineer to) 4. A contact telephone number If you need the broken printer removed you will also need to provide us with the make and model so we make sure we remove the right PC. Thanks


Hello I am reopening this call as your inadequate incident logging system did not ask me for all the information you clearly require to be able to assist me.

I need a printer installed and you require some information about me. My name is Paula Faircloth. I am a Referrals Co-ordinator working at Lambeth CAMHS Adolescent Team, 35 Black Prince Road on the ground floor in room 108 which has four swivel-chairs and a blue carpet. I am 5″2 with green eyes. J’habite une petite maison. Ich habe eine kleine schwester, sie heisst Zoe.

The equipment to be installed includes a Dell Laser Printer 2330dn 220V EMA . Service Tag: 24795GI Supplier internal use only: 0900MX027CW24Y9SG1. It was made in China. Sorry, but I do not know its name, eye colour, where it lives or whether it also has a sister. It does however come with a toner cartridge. This is a DELL TONER 2330DN. I suspect it was also made in China.

The computer names are as follows: F59VG2J, 9PKVQ1J, DNBWJ2J, H1QB03J, 3DPB03J. But they prefer to be called Barry, Amanda, Teflon, Ja-Fool and Legend of Zelda respectively. They live in room 109 were also born in China but now identify as British citizens so please refer to them accordingly.

The broken printer for removal is a HPLaserJet 4100n. To make it easier for you to find I have completely coloured it with a fluorescent marker pen. Should you still be unable to locate it, I will be next door in ROOM 108, also covered in fluorescent market pen, and will be able to guide you personally to the machine. But please don’t hesitate to contact me on 0203 228 7370 if you require further details instead of simply closing the request as you did previously. Thanks

Dear sales team,

Firstly I would like to thank you for making it possible to buy cockles online. I was worried I would have to make a hazardous trip to my local fishmongers, which is fraught with danger, and I don’t just mean because it’s in Peckham.

I’m also curious about the “cockle case” in which you trade the golden molluscs of delight. How long the cockles will last in this form before becoming truly inedible? Do you think five years is a reasonable estimate? If so they should suit my purposes wonderfully and I’d like to make a bulk order.

In fact I’d like to buy all of them. Everything you’ve got. Right down to the last shell covered aperture. I also need them delivered post haste as the zombie apocalypse is imminent. We’re talking days, possibly hours here. If it is safe to proceed I will enclose the co-ordinates of my bunker in an encrypted email when the transaction has been successful.



Letter to Southwark Council




20 October 2006

Road and Pavement Maintenance
Environment and Leisure Dept.
Walworth Town Hall
151 Walworth Road
SE17 1RY

Dear Sir or Madam,

Re: The Door That Goes Ping 

For the past three weeks, every working day, I have been walking past a locked metal door – not dissimilar to those found on nuclear bunkers or submarines – in the underpass between Elephant and Castle shopping centre and the Fusion gym.

Now this rust infested portal, a urine-reeking hatch to Hades, has been emitting an incessant shrill PING! to all passers-by. Its whining not only manages to hit an ear piercing, skin crawling tone but also succeeds in beeping irregularly just to irritate everyone further.

Everyday I consider writing a strongly worded letter to the council and copying it to the Metro newspaper in the hope that someone will come and terminate this infernal racket. But the other day something quite marvellous occurred. An ordinary street-tramp was sat by the stoop with his Casio keyboard playing jaunty tunes akin to accordion buskers found on the Parisian Metro using the PING! to keep time. His Big Top-cum-Game Show medleys put a spring in my step and brightened my Monday morning blues. However, it is now Friday and the door is irritating me again. I would be most grateful if someone could investigate this noise before my eardrums burst?

Many Thanks,

Bleeding Ears Murphy


Air and Noise Pollution Unit, Department of Health
Room 692D, Skipton House
80 London Road, Elephant and Castle

Metro Newspaper