Bisexual myths and where to find them

An article on Bisexual Myths I wrote for Biscuit Magazine.

I conducted a study into bisexual myths using such reputable sources of information as Twitter and the indubitably accurate information acquiring process known as Asking Drunken Strangers In The Pub. The following results were gathered under stringent conditions and are awaiting full publication in The Lancet, any minute now, honest.

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On Christina Hendricks and quitting smoking

Article for G3 Magazine May 2011.

Mad Men is every quitter’s nightmare. Watching the ad men chink their tumblers to their success in their slick suits whilst lighting the fifth cigarette in five minutes of show time is hard. Even the bored blonde housewife taking drags from between soap-sudded Marigold gloves is enticing. A box-set binge is likely to get even the most ardent reformers twitching in the drawer for that white and gold box and freeing its gnarly prisoner. But sometimes a fag in the freezer, cryogenically frozen with ‘in case of emergency: smoke’ on it isn’t enough to keep you true. But if your willpower needs a boost there’s a cornucopia of pharmaceutical inventions to assist. Continue reading “On Christina Hendricks and quitting smoking”

Vajazzling

Article on vajazzling for G3 Magazine March 2011.

Vajazzling, noun, a non-permanent beautification of the vagina achieved by applying gems to one’s waxed peach at a beauty salon or by way of a home fix kit. That’s what the Oxford English Dictionary might say, but there’s currently a lacklustre gap between ‘vainglorious’ and ‘valance’. Continue reading “Vajazzling”

On the Popemobile and selling WKD to lesbians

Article for G3 Magazine on gay political apathy.

On 18 September 2010 the Pope pootled into London in his white Perspex chariot. Thousands were planning to march from Hyde Park to Whitehall to protest against the Vatican’s views on, amongst other things, abortion, gay rights and the cover up of paedophile priests. My flatmate mentioned he was going ‘to see what the fuss was about’ as I boiled a morning brew. Continue reading “On the Popemobile and selling WKD to lesbians”

Housemates from Hell and how to avoid them

Article for G3 Magazine.

You’ve just stumbled back home from the pub. You fish for your keys and try to guide them soundlessly into the lock. Tiptoeing down the hallway you are relieved to find no light from under your flatmate’s door. Still, you potter around the kitchen in complete darkness- lest you wake ‘er upstairs- and prepare for a satisfying feed, but uh-oh you’ll have to borrow some butter again. With scientific precision you match the existing knife scrapings then replace the tub to its exact co-ordinates on the shelf. Satisfied she’ll never notice you ease the door shut. That’s when you see it through the gloom: another passive aggressive note. It begins “to whoever has been using my butter…” and ends with more contempt than you had for your parents aged 16. Sh*t.

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So you’re a massive gay who wants to be a writer? Here’s some advice.

Article on gay writing groups for G3 Magazine.

Only six months ago I was stuck in my uninspiring data entry job, repeatedly toying with the maximise/minimise button on my internet browser. I wanted to write fiction but couldn’t, wouldn’t, daren’t. Finally the sickening realisation that my life’s opus would only amount to a heap of spreadsheets collated between two saddle-stitched boards, moved me to action: I formed a gay creative writing group. Continue reading “So you’re a massive gay who wants to be a writer? Here’s some advice.”

Top Tips for Surviving Pride

Advice for Proud Magazine June 2010.

1) Electronic Devices Will Fail You

Your mobile phone will may be your second brain the other 364 days of the year, but today, it is your nemesis.  Your phone doesn’t care if you charged for a whole 72 hours; it will splutter and die just as you’re arranging to meet up with the evening’s potential shag. You’re only a few short beeps and away from battery death and it’s goodbye sex, hello lost and lonely in a crowd of thousands. Your camera will soon follow suit.

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What Book Clubs Want: A Dear John Letter To Publishers

Article for Inprint, The Society of Young Publishers’ magazine, April 2010.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that the time has passed for gathering in the flesh and talking with our tongues about ideas and stories. Today, Richard & Judy tell us what to read and we tap our political sentiments with heavy venom out on F-a-c-e-b-o-o-k till our fingers are red, only to forget about them when we log off. Continue reading “What Book Clubs Want: A Dear John Letter To Publishers”

Exploring Urban Myths#1 The Gay P.E. Teacher

Article for g3 Magazine‘s May issue.

Imagine the first PE lesson of the new school year, autumn term, 1998. The changing room is bubbling with summer holiday gossip, and is as fresh as the crisply pressed games skirts though it would soon succumb to the smells of armpits and the detritus of corn plasters and crisp packets. B*Witched’s zest for life chirps from the headphones of someone’s Discman but I sit near the lockers, distraught. My PE teacher has come back from the break with a different surname and the prefix Mrs. My 15 year-old self is even more confused than usual; all PE teachers are gay aren’t they?

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